Ballard Crime Watch: A tragedy over signed baseballs, and Manson wannabe wields blade and makes off with candy

Frank Sinatra fiend filches safe

On the morning of October 15, Seattle police officers responded to a burglary at a bar on the 5300 block of Ballard Avenue Northwest. The bar owner arrived that morning and found the door pried open and the bar safe gone. Security footage shows that a man broke into the bar around 4:45 a.m. He used a pry bar to break through the back door. He went to a wood cupboard and found the safe. The suspect dragged the safe to the back door, leaving deep gouges in the wood floor. The suspect is described as a 35 to 40-year-old white man, thin, bald with a scruffy grizzled goatee. The suspect was wearing a “newspaper” style cap. Over $500 was in the safe. The bar owner told officers that his bar was burglarized September 9, and that it was the same suspect. During that heist, the suspect was wearing a stylish fedora and took over $1,500 in cash. Officers dusted for latent prints and collected security footage for evidence. They are still looking for the tramp but believe he may have flown to the moon. To the bar owner the crime is “night and day,” and not a matter of “witchcraft.” Officers said to the bar owner, “I’ll be seeing you,” but remain skeptical. They believe the suspect may already be on a plane to “New York, New York,” and not extending an invitation to “come fly with me.” “As time goes on,” solving the crime remains an “impossible dream.”

Oh what hearts break for Ken Griffey Jr. autographed balls

Once upon a time (October 16), officers arrived at a castle to hear a convoluted tale of deceit, violence, desire and treachery. Don Valentine, owner of the castle, told officers that his son, Sir Ralpheo, had suffered a broken heart after his love, Romulet, betrayed him. Ralpheo set Romulet’s belongings outside the castle the day prior, and she picked up her bundle of things accompanied by a balding male conquistador in his 50’s brandishing a grizzled goatee, and the tall, young black prince. After Ralpheo saw them leave, he gathered what was left of his ambition and fled to Alaska on a commercial fishing venture of the soul. Don Valentine came to the castle the following day and found a window had been run through. The Don’s heart suffered terrible pricks and pangs. The domicile had been rifled through, but Don Valentine did not notice anything missing. Next day, the Don found the back door vanquished and his young son’s prized Ken Griffey Jr. autographed baseballs pirated. The signed balls were gone! His heart trembled. He knew his son could not withstand the bereavement of such a treasure. “Curse ye soulless fiends!” he shouted to the sky and stepped abreast to the heath to call Ballard’s noble police. Don made quick haste and called upon Romulet’s mother. She told him Romulet was staying at a room on the Westside of this story. She also said that Romulet admitted to breaching Sir Ralpeo’s quarters, but that she had not breached the basement door. Ballard’s noble officers sent for Romulet at her room, but found a Cuban father and son resided there. … Officers dusted for prints and left business cards at the castle.

It’s the Halloween season for trick or ‘cut you!’

On October 19, officers responded to an armed robbery at a business on the 8300 block of 15th Avenue Northwest. The security officer of the business told police officers that two young white men and one young white woman came into the store and split up. The men had long brown hair and were wearing bandanas. Police speculate that being so close to Halloween, the men were wearing Charles Manson costumes. The woman went to the deli and made a small purchase of red meat, while the men went to the candy isle and stuffed bags of candy into their open collar shirts and bellbottoms. The security officer tried to stop them as they left, but the smaller, more Manson-like man pulled out a razor sharp hunting knife, five inches long, and waved it maliciously at the security officer. The cold metallic steal glinted in his yellow teeth and eyes. The two became one in a trance. A sitar echoed somewhere. There was a thudding drum, steady and mean, but the security officer slowly realized it was his own pounding heart moving further and further into the abyss of wild darkness. Before the security officer knew it, the group was lethargically rolling toward the desert in an off-blue, 90’s model, Ford sedan. Neil Young later wrote a song about the incident.

We encourage our readers to comment. No registration is required. We ask that you keep your comments free of profanity and keep them civil. They are moderated and objectionable comments will be removed.