Ballard Crime Watch: Super human parks officials ward off shards of glass and 'Hoover-freak' takes a vacuum to clean the carpets of our lives

Insatiable merch-lust never ceases in Ballard

Man carjacked at gun point at Golden Gardens

According to the SPD blog, last night a man was robbed at gunpoint and had his car stolen at Golden Gardens Park in Ballard.The victim told SPD that around 11:20 p.m he decided to leave and walked to the Golden Gardens parking lot. While he was reaching for his keys four men came up behind him .One of the suspects asked to used the victim's cell phone. The victim refused and then another suspect struck him on the head, pointed a handgun at him and demanded his keys, phone and wallet.The suspects drove off with the victims 2008 Honda Accord. A passerby stopped to help the victim and called police.Police searched the area, but weren’t able to track the assailants. Robbery detectives are investigating the incident.

Freak loathing shag carpet from the 1960’s steals vacuum cleaner and cash

On August 11 officers responded to a burglary at a business on the 6000 block of 15th Avenue Northwest. The owner told officers that when he arrived he noticed the side door was open. He reported that $200 and a vacuum cleaner were missing. Police have no leads but suspect that somewhere out there, in the mysterious vacuum of our lives there is a so called “Hoover-freak, ” methodically moving a suck-machine over the 1960's shag carpets of our souls. This terrible metaphysical carpet smells like "snake-cat," an obscure Jungian term for "negative feelings arising from old-carpet-stink." Police speculate the carpet is being sucked clean of debris, dust, dander, pennies, failed New Year's resolutions and business ventures, shattered dreams, bad credit scores and other undesirable material.

Parks officials born on planet Krypton unmoved by flying shards of glass

On August 12, officers rushed at break-neck speed to the 8400 block of Seaview Place Northwest where two Seattle Parks officials were assaulted. The two victims told officers that they had reprimanded a group of 20 teenagers for having an illegal bon fire on the beach. The group was belligerent and drinking alcohol, carousing like Dionysian deviant heathens, too far gone in a mystic revelry of madness. The parks officers put out the blaze and told the teens to make better decisions and go home. The park was closed. The party was over. The group was disbanding so the two officials got into their parks vehicle and started to drive away when suddenly a glass booze bottle shattered on its hood. Glinting, razor sharp splinters of diamond-dagger glass, covered in alcohol and shining like kryptonite under the ebbed beams of a blonde moon, made contact with the two parks officials. Miraculously they survived unscathed -- not a scratch. They didn't even blink. The shards fell into the sand and lost their luster. The two super human parks officials told police that an indignant teen bearing a strong resemblance to Bizarro threw the bottle. They followed the teen and his associates to the parking lot where Bizarro got into a silver car and flew off. Park officials called police and recorded the license plate number. Officers were unable to locate the vehicle, but determined that it was a 2005 Chevy Impala with nuclear powered rocket engines registered to an owner in North Seattle. Children and adults not born on Krypton are advised to wear protective footwear at Golden Gardens.

Pillow case pilferer fiends for Apple and Amazon products

On August 12 officers were dispatched to a burglary at a residence on 2800 Northwest 75th Street. The victim told officers that he came home to find some of his coveted possessions missing. His MacBook Pro, iPad mini, and Kindle were all f*$king gone! Furthermore, a pillowcase from his bed was taken. The victim believed that the suspect used the pillowcase to carry his bounty. To add further loss, insult and delirious anger to the victim, a prized growler full of change was taken. The plot thickens. Since there was no sign of forced entry, the suspect checked where he kept his key in the back yard and noticed it was askew. For now, a lone pillow, lugubriously rests uneasily in the cold ether of the night without its beloved casing.

We encourage our readers to comment. No registration is required. We ask that you keep your comments free of profanity and keep them civil. They are moderated and objectionable comments will be removed.